I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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