My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
