im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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