good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
