i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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