Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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