Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
i think i just lost a toe
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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