I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
