my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
