Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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