theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
