from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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