Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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