I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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