Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
