So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
