I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Damn victory sex feels great
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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