3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
