All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
