You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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