the condom got lost in my hair
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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