No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
