Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
