ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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