Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
