He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
