my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
