someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
