we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
