my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
