Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
