I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
