Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
