If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
