Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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