the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
