Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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