We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
