i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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