I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize