Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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