It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
