I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
