in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
