Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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