Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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