Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
