My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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