apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
