sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Randomize
