...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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