I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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