is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
it glows. i had to have it.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
