I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
