I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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