we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
