I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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