I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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