I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
