did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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