just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize