yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
