I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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